And by way too early, I mean way, way too early.
I know what you’re thinking. It’s too early to predict week one starters. We haven’t even started free agency yet! Shouldn’t you be working on your novel instead of this shit?
My novel (Porcelain King: One Man’s Quest to Clog a Toilet in Every State) will have to wait for me to finish this completely frivolous, essentially meaningless article in the thick of the NFL offseason. Hit me up on MySpace to tell me what I got wrong.
Arizona Cardinals - Kyler Murray
Unless Kliff Kingsbury can convince Arizona to spend a first round pick on a QB for the third year in a row, Murray is the guy.
Atlanta Falcons - Matt Ryan
I’m not as concerned with Matt Ryan as I am with his backup. Matt Schaub is not going to inspire hope from anybody if Ryan goes down for an extended period of time. Atlanta might want to take a flyer on a veteran or a mid-round developmental QB.
Baltimore Ravens - Lamar Jackson MVP.
Buffalo Bills - Josh Allen
If they get Josh Allen some weapons, he’s a top five QB. Book it.
Carolina Panthers - Cam Newton
This is the first one I don’t feel great about. Carolina says they’re committed to Cam moving forward, but it’s hard to imagine first year head coach Matt Rhule pinning all of his hopes on a QB who hasn’t thrown a meaningful pass in over a year. For the first time in his career, Cam will have some real competition in camp.
Chicago Bears - Andy Dalton
The Bengals have said they’re going to work with Dalton on a trade, and I could definitely see a team like Chicago making a move to acquire Dalton. This would open things up for a training camp competition between Dalton and incumbent starter Mitch Trubisky (which I see Dalton winning easily). The one problem with this scenario is that neither QB has quality weapons at his disposal, so the Bears might be in position to draft one of the top QBs next year, thus making this a less than desirable destination for The Red Rifle.
Cincinatti Bengals - Joe Burrow
Burrow going first overall is pretty much a done deal at this point. Poor kid.
Cleveland Browns - Baker Mayfield
That guy from the Progressive commercials also plays football. If nothing else, at least the Browns will have new uniforms this year, so they’ll potentially look better on their way to a 7-9 season. I mean, they can’t look worse can they?
Dallas Cowboys - Dak Prescott
The only way this doesn’t happen is if Jerry can’t get a deal done before week 1, which seems virtually impossible. I know they have other issues (Amari Cooper, Byron Jones, etc.) but there is nothing more important than locking up your franchise quarterback.
Denver Broncos - Drew Lock
Because John Elway said so. Joe Flacco should probably update his LinkedIn profile.
Detroit Lions - Matt Stafford
There has been a lot of chatter about a trade, but I just can’t see the Lions doing that. They’re another team that might be in position to take a QB next year.
Green Bay Packers - Aaron Rodgers
The King in the North!
Houston Texans - Deshaun Watson
This one is a no brainer. Get this man a damn running game.
Indianapolis Colts - Philip Rivers
The Colts are not sold on Jacoby Brissett, and they shouldn’t be. Is Phil Rivers a permanent fix? Absolutely not. But this is a playoff caliber team that was built around another QB a year ago, and I think they can regain some of that form with Rivers under center, and truly capitalize on their Super Bowl window.
Jacksonville Jaguars - Gardner Minshew
Gardner Minshew’s most important job in 2020 is making sure the Jags are in a good position to draft Trevor Lawrence in 2021.
Kansas City Chiefs - Patrick Mahomes
When you win Super Bowl MVP, you get to keep your starting job.
Las Vegas Raiders - Tua Tagovailoa
Let’s face it, the Raiders and Jon Gruden need to make a splash to make things work in a new city. I can see Gruden and Mike Mayock falling in love with the southpaw from Tuscaloosa, and then trading up to get him. They’ll have to throw in the kitchen sink to get there, because they will have stiff competition from several other QB needy teams (more on that later).
Los Angeles Chargers - Justin Herbert
L.A.’s consolation for missing out on Tua and TB12 is the hunky starter from Oregon. And they don’t even have to trade up to get him! This is crucial because this team has a ton of holes to fill. Even though Anthony Lynn says he would be comfortable starting off the season with Tyrod Taylor under center, I’m just not buying it. When you take a guy in the top 10, the future starts now.
Los Angeles Rams - Jared Goff
Knockoff Zack Morris has one more season to prove he’s the guy to run Sean McVay’s offense. I wouldn’t be shocked to see the Rams bring in some legitimate competition similar to the Marcus Mariota/Ryan Tannehill situation in Tennessee from last year. Maybe it’s time for Josh Rosen’s third team in three years.
Miami Dolphins - Derek Carr
The Raiders miss out on Brady, so they trade up for Tua, who Miami wanted, and then trade Derek Carr to Miami for almost nothing. Derek Carr gets to restart his career for a franchise that will let literally anybody start at QB.
Minnesota Vikings - Kirk Cousins
When your entire contract is fully guaranteed, you get to keep playing. This might be Kirk Cousins last chance to prove that he deserves to be in the conversation with all the other greats playing right now. I have an idea, show up in a playoff game, ya dingus.
New England Patriots - Tom Brady
Gotcha. I just don’t see Tom Brady leaving New England. I think when Tom has the chance to see what else is out there, he will realize that the culture in New England is something he won’t find anywhere else. He doesn’t want to start over in his mid 40s, and fans shouldn’t want to watch that. It’s like watching the NFL version of Cocoon. Edelman is Steve Guttenberg in this scenario.
New Orleans Saints - Drew Brees
Former MVP. Future AARP. MVAARP.
New York Giants - Daniel Jones
Call me a homer, but I think Danny Dimes thrives in his first full season, especially without all the chatter about his backup. Sorry, Alex Tanney.
New York Jets - Sam Darnold
Unless he gets mono again, Sam Darnold will take the field for Gang Green again next year, and with even more pressure to save head coach Adam Gase’s job (if he wants to).
Philadelphia Eagles - Carson Wentz
Can Carson Wentz stay healthy for an entire 16 game season? What the hell is he going to do when they expand the season to 17 games? Who is he throwing the ball to? All valid questions. Thoughts and prayers to the okay city of Philadelphia.
Pittsburgh Steelers - Jameis Winston
I’m basing this one on Big Ben not starting the season fully healthy. The guy is a porcelain Buddha statue, and I just don’t trust him to stay healthy, or be effective at this point in his career. So what does Mike Tomlin do? He calls up his old buddy Bruce Arians with a proposition that solves both of their issues. (Prediction: Jameis becomes the first player to throw 6 TDs and 6 picks in a single game).
San Francisco 49ers - Jimmy Garoppolo
Forget the chatter about Brady moving out West. Kyle Shanahan and John Lynch love Jimmy G, and they’re banking on him bouncing back from their Super Bowl loss to make another deep playoff run next year.
Seattle Seahawks - Russell Wilson
Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Teddy Bridgewater
People are really beating around the bush about the Jameis Winston situation in Tampa. Everybody except Bruce Arians. That dude can not wait to start literally anybody else at QB. The thought of Teddy B slinging it to Mike Evans is pretty appealing as well. Snag a receiver in a very deep draft class and now you’re cooking with gas.
Tennessee Titans - Ryan Tannehill
There’s just no way Tennessee can let Tannehill walk after he led the league in several statistical categories and an AFC championship berth. This is also boring as hell. Enjoy the AFC South basement, Tennessee.
Washington Team - Dwayne Haskins
Dwayne Haskins called Joe Theismann to ask if he could wear his retired jersey number. You can’t un-retire a jersey number for a one year starter. But you also probably shouldn’t have a racist team name in 2020, so there’s that too.